Why are you afraid?

Why are you afraid? Why do you panic? Why do you sink into depression?

If all we seek is an earthly answer to those questions, then all we get are a list of reasons or excuses for our misery and pain. But what if we look for a higher answer, then what do we learn?

My spiritual teacher, a man of great wisdom, and what always seemed to me to be a direct relationship with On High, once said,

"Your soul plunged downward to live in an earthly realm,

to enwrap herself in a body of flesh and blood, willingly and with purpose.

What emboldened her? What drew her to squeeze into the

straitjacket of time and space?

It was neither fear, nor dread, nor panic. It was the knowledge that

here below is a beauty the highest of angels cannot touch.

Care for yourself, for your family, for your fellow human beings and

our lovely planet earth, NOT out of fear, NOR from distress, but out

of love and awe for the beauty within that we came to discover."

So, go forth, and discover the beauty. Find the pathway that leads you out of fear, out of panic, out of depression.

Opportunity may be presented as something that knocks on our door, but the truth is that more often than not, we have to leave home for opportunity to find us. When I was single, Mr. Right never rode up to my apartment door on his white steed, knocked boldly, and said, "Hey, jump on, Cutie. I'm here to change your life!" Jobs never looked me up in the White Pages of the telephone directory and offered me huge sums of money to do what I knew how to do. Contentment never sent me an email inviting me to a champagne reception to shake the hand of Truth. And Truth, well, Truth has been elusive and seems to be found only by walking one's own path, which, it would seem, usually leads out of my home and out into the world. So, go forth, and live your life among others. Who knows what good will come your way when you intersect Good's path. Just a thought.

Why am I here?

"Why am I here?" is a question frequently asked by patients, spiritual querents, and the deeply depressed.

Why am I here? The answer to that question unfolds throughout our life. It may not be very clear earlier in life, but as the years add up and one's perspective develops, it becomes easier and easier to understand our purpose in being. Take a good, long look at yourself: What do you see? What do you enjoy? What resonates within you? What are your gifts? When you have the answers to those questions, then it is time to put the answers to good use. How you apply your gifts is probably your purpose.

Why are you the way that you are? Short and sweet, God made YOU this way because God needs you to be this way. No one else can do what God needs YOU to do. So, go! Do it!

If we are made in God's image, why does God need so many images? I don't know, but, maybe, it could be because each of us reflects a different aspect of God. So, go! Reflect!

How can we each have our own unique gifts? How can there be that many gifts? For all I know, there may be a finite number of gifts, but how and where you apply them will be uniquely your own. So, go! Give!

How can we use our gifts in service to God? By giving our gifts to others.

How can we use our gifts to bring meaning and purpose into our life? By giving our gifts in a spirit of gratitude.

How can we feel like a part of the human race? By giving our Self to others.

How can we feel like we belong? By giving our Self to our purpose.

How can we get over depression? By stepping out of our self-imposed isolation, our loneliness, our aloneness, and our all-consuming self-loathing.

How do we do that? As it says on the back of the shampoo bottle: Repeat. Return to the beginning of this entry, read it, and then reread it. Repeat. Repeat until you get it. Then go out there and join the human race. You deserve to belong. Just a thought.

Change your attitude, change your life

Too often, we focus on the bad stuff in life, or the stuff we cannot control. How many times in a day, in a week, in a lifetime, do good things actually occur? And how often do we walk right by the good stuff and not see it or feel it? How often do YOU focus on the hurtful words or deeds, the painful memories, the disappointments, the loves lost, and the suffering, but you don't notice when good stuff is actually happening?

Am I asking you to be a PollyAnna or to make lemonade out of lemons? No. I'm just asking you to write down every big and little thing that happens this week that was GOOD. NOTICE THE GOOD STUFF. Notice the things that you enjoy, or feel good about, or that enhance your self-esteem, or that you were so pleasantly and happily engaged with that you lost track of time. And, then, take a moment to feel grateful. Why? To increase your level of attention to the good details of your life.

As you change your attitude toward your own life, and what is happening in it, YOU will find that your life is actually changing. Yes, just by changing your attitude, you can change your life. I invite you to give it a try. Spend the next week noticing what is actually going right and you may be surprised at how good your life really is. Just a thought.

Remember: the sky may be the limit, but time is limited.

I love the start of a new year because it is ripe with potential. However, it is up to me to fulfill its promise. Granted, my 2011 appointment book was filled with recurring engagements even before the end of October 2010. There were all the usual items, e.g., appointments with patients, meetings, personal holidays, but the rest of the time was wide open and ready to be filled.

I'm sure we've all experienced the reality that if we stand still, we get run over---run over by time, run over by competitors, or run over by our own fears. I've never been much for standing still: there is still too much to learn, too much to experience, and too much to teach, before I will have no choice in whether or not I stand still. None of us knows when, or if, we will develop a progressive disease, a neurological condition, or when that "thing" that we already have may advance and stop us in our tracks. So, while I can still make a difference within my sphere of influence, I am. While I can still learn, I will. And while I can still teach, I do.

It is with the above in mind, that I have decided to pursue national certification in trauma and dissociation. As my patients know, many years ago I earned national certification in thanatology (death, dying, and bereavement), and that continues to be an area of treatment in which I specialize. Since I began my career in the field of psychology 35+ years ago, as the executive director of a rape crisis center and a victims' advocate, trauma has played a very big part in my career. It feels like the right time, once again, to commit to the certification process, and to make an investment in myself and my career as a practicing therapist. The courses and certification are offered by the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation and it is a year-long program. I'll keep you posted when I learn something new.

What will you do to invest in yourself this year? Charitable work, a class for fun (cooking, art, archaeology, glass blowing), increased reading, enjoying a new hobby, taking a professional development course, or, or, or....???? Remember: the sky may be the limit, but, time is limited. So, what will you do with the time that you have remaining?

Wishing you....

Dear patients, readers, colleagues and friends-I-haven't-yet-met,

I wish you a love-filled holy season, and a new year over-flowing with the satisfaction of meaningful work and a life lived in congruence with your purpose.

Warm fuzzies,
Gwen

As we approach the holidays, perhaps....

Perhaps, we can decorate our home, and our new life, with the treasures that speak of our history, finding joy in the memories that they spark. Maybe, we'll bring with us some of the old, add a few pieces of the new, and practice the art of blending yesterday with today in the hope of creating another memory for tomorrow.

Perhaps, we can hang the special ornaments, or polish the menorah, and cherish the warmth of the love of which these symbols remind us. No one has to know the pain that we may be experiencing, even as we relive the pleasure and joy of having these objects in our life now.

Perhaps, we can gather with loved ones and count our blessings; counting not only the people around the table, but including ALL those whose lives have touched ours in countless ways. One does not have to be present to be alive in our hearts. Afterall, we shared a few moments of our life journey together and our hearts will never forget, even when others do.

And, perhaps, it may be that nothing will fit this year. But, the situation will get better, improving with age, or experience, or patience. We will probably always be a bit unsettled, unnerved when the roll-call finds a name missing or a chair empty. But, then, why shouldn't we be a little sad when a light goes out in our world?

So, this holiday season, try to look for things to enjoy. Gather in your blessings and count them ALL. Count the blessings of ALL the people in your life story, both present and deceased, and find the peace that comes from experiencing another holiday of joys recalled and love shared. And, just perhaps, the holidays will be better than you think they will be.

I wish you love-filled holidays and a new year of peace and joy.

A few helpful ideas for dealing with the holidays

Grief is never easy. Working through our grief, learning how to survive our loss, is a process---a process made more difficult by big family holidays. As we enter the end of the year, the time of year filled with the most intense and meaningful of holidays, here are a few ideas for dealing with the holidays and your loss.

1. Do not try to be brave. Take time to cry and just "be with" your grief. And, yes, strong men do cry.

2. Share your grief with others. Do not try to protect friends or family with silence. If friends or family cannot, or will not, listen....OR...if you feel like a burden to them, this may be a good time to contact a grief counselor, or a psychologist, or a pastoral counselor. Please do not allow yourself to feel isolated or lonely.

3. Please take care of your self. YOU ARE IMPORTANT and so is your health. . Try to eat well and exercise regularly. Even a short walk around the block will produce biochemical changes that can affect your attitude and you'll sleep better.

4. Please forgive yourself for everything you thnk you did "wrong." You did the best you could. Okay, maybe you didn't give your best every single day, but there was so much going on at the time and you had so many stressors in your life that you did the best you could, even if it wasn't the VERY best you could have done every single day. Remember that you were there for for the person you loved, and that is what is important.

5. Accept that there is no truly acceptable answer to the question, "Why?" Maybe your grief counselor or your spiritual counselor can help you find peace with this question. Just remember: you do NOT have to go through this alone.

6. Do purposeful work that brings meaning to eacg day and to your life. Bringing meaning into your life during a time when you may be questioning the meaning of life, God, religion, or previous choices, can be very beneficial. Volunteering to help the less fortunate, reading to children at the library, getting involved with your religious institution's outreach program can have a personally uplifting effect.

Resilience

Have you ever wondered why some people just seem to get over "stuff" and get on with life more easily than others? Is that due to personality differences? Is it inborn or due to the parenting that they received? (Ah, yes, that old conundrum of nature vs nurture.) Or, maybe, God just likes them better?

In my line of work we call that resilience. Webster's defines resilience as "an ability to recover from or adjust easily to change or misfortune." Resilience does seem to make a great difference in how people handle life and all that it can dish out.

So, what is resilience exactly? Who knows. There are no clear answers from the brain researchers, or the personality researchers, or the religious/spiritual researchers. However, here's what we do know about resilience: some piece of it is inborn. Yes, it seems we either have some, or we don't have some. (Note the word some. Is the remaining balance acquired? Maybe.) However, that isn't the end of the story. We also know that some people survive their childhoods, and move on to bigger and better things, because of one very important factor: the presence of one person who believed in them. Is that all it takes to thrive? No, but it helps A LOT.

The presence, the influence, the saving grace, of one person who believed in us can change our life. It doesn't have to be a person who was full-time in our lives (like a parent or other relative). It can be someone who was transitory, for example, a counselor for two weeks of summer camp, a classroom teacher, the local librarian, a soccer coach. In fact, it could be as transitory as someone we knew for a moment, literally, a moment in our lives, e.g., when we spoke to the inspirational lecturer at a Sunday School assembly, or the woman at the bookstore who took a minute and really listened to us.

When you look back on your childhood or adolescence, who reached out to you? Who believed in you, even if just for a moment? Who might you thank for the way you turned out? And can you do that for someone else, a child or a teenager who might need just one person to believe in him/her and their resilience will be encouraged to flourish?

Questions to ponder

What are human beings?

What are you as a human being?

What are the forces that act on your life?

Do you listen to your inner voice?

What do you do to understand your Self?

Can a person become a perfect person?

Does G-d want perfect people?

Does G-d want imperfect people?

What are the obstacles to your personal change?

How do you view the world?

Do you focus on the details or on the bigger picture?

Just some things to think about. Who knows, maybe the answers can change your life for the better.

The Secrets to Being Happy

The title on my Yahoo homepage was intriguing, "The Secret to Being Happy." So, sucker-for-a-happy-ending that I am, I clicked on the link. Wow! It took me to a page that offered no less than 27 contiguous pages of happiness links.

There are, apparently, 9 secrets, or 10 secrets, or 17 secrets, or the secret (presumably one secret), to being happy. Then there were the endless categories of happiness, of which here are just a few: how to be happy with a part-time job, how to be a happy woman, how to be a happy dater, how to be a happy teen, how to be a happy teen with a part-time job. And, that did not include the paid ads in the margin for books on Amazon re happiness, numerous religious sites that promote happiness, and all the for-profits that promote happiness through a goal-centered life.

All we have to do, it would seem, is to focus with laser-like precision on happiness via the 9 steps (or is it 17? or 10? or just one?). Is it any wonder that we think that happiness can be obtained, like a job, or a car, or a relationship?

Happiness is a result, not a goal, as I have mentioned in earlier columns on this blog. (When Life Sucks, February; The Unlived Life, January.)

Do you want to know how to be happy? It's simple: be yourself. Be your TRUE self. Go ahead, dare to uncover all that is REALLY you and, then, spread your wings for a wild ride! And, if you say, "Oh, that's too simplistic," then allow me to say that nothing is truly complicated---we just make it that way. Just a thought.

'Tis the season....the wedding season, that is.

Yes, 'tis the season for weddings...and, the little-recognized post-nuptial depression. No, psychology is not creating another disorder that psychiatry can medicate and that the average layperson can mock. It's simply a fact of life: most of the big events of our lives are followed by a certain amount of let-down. For example, the college graduate, who is now leaving the academic fishbowl and facing an uncertain future in an even more uncertain economy, will probably feel some sense of loss for the predictability and freedom of their old life, and some anxiety about their new life.

So what is post-nuptial depression? Let's face it, there's a lot of excitement and romance leading up to the wedding. You're the center of attention and people are calling you all the time. There are details to manage, people to manage, and dreams to manifest. Ah, but then it's all over. Everyone goes back to their own lives, and there you are, stuck with reality. Yes, it's time for the letdown after the parade.

Not to mention the buyer's remorse. That prince in shining armor, who floated with you down the aisle and off to a wonderful honeymoon, now starts looking a little less shiny and little more rusty around the edges. That glowing bride, who never wore anything but matching lingerie, is now wearing comfortable underpants. And those changes don't take long to occur. Now that all the wildly flowing oxytocin and serotonin have calmed down, folks start to wonder if they settled.

Or, financial issues kick in: "Wow, we spent all that money, now it's over, and what do we have to do show for it?" "Geez, we coulda spent that money on a downpayment for a house."

Or, there can be the re-emerging depression. Very often there is a depression that predated the marriage, and now, in the not-so-glowing after-glow of the honeymoon and a return to the real world, the old depression is being kicked up, again.

None of this may become apparent right away. It may occur right after the wedding, or it may be delayed 3 or 4 months. In either case, finding someone to help with the problem can go a long way toward creating a more satisfying future. Just a thought.

Are you saying "Yes!" to your dreams?

Sometimes it is hard to even know what our dreams are.

Sometimes we have so many dreams that it is difficult to choose one on which to focus.

And, sometimes, it seems like our dreams are so very far away...and impossible to attain.

Other times, it just feels hopeless to even dream.

So, how do we even begin?

Try finishing the following sentences to begin to help clarify your special dreams:

In my heart of hearts, I want to...
If I had a billion dollars, I would...
If I had all the time in the world, the first thing I would do is...
I have always wished I could...

Start living your dreams and you'll find that you are living your own life. Just a thought.

Next journal exercise

Next journal assignment is,

Imagine being your Higher Power, God, the Universe.

Now write a response to the letter you wrote

about your spiritual concern.

And another journal exercise

Journal about your primary spiritual concern in life.
Write a letter to your Higher Power, God,
the Universe, about this spiritual concern.

Another journal exercise to explore spirituality

As promised, here is another journal exercise to help you explore your own spirituality.

What is your definition of spirituality, and, if applicable,

what is your definition of a Higher Power or God?

Spirituality and Psychotherapy

When I was a young undergrad in the early 1970's, psychology and spirituality were not the best of friends. In fact, B.F. Skinner was the hero of the hour-- and spirituality and his theory of behaviorism had nothing to do with each other. Freud was pilloried on every available occasion by behaviorists and feminists, not that he was particularly spiritual, just that he was out-of-style, and supposedly anti-feminist. Truth be told, based on what I was being taught, and feminist that I was (and am), I didn't want much to do with Freud, either. Then, finally, 20 years later, I read his original works and lights went on like crazy. The old guy wasn't so dated, after all, though he was still very anti-religion.

Truth be told, there were guys like C.J. Jung and Carl Rogers, who were deeply spiritual in their own lives and believed that spirituality and religion had a lot to offer human beings. Both found ways to bring spirituality into their work with patients, however, they weren't the flavor of the hour and their theories and style of therapy were not being taught in the 1970's. They were buried under piles of dust by a psych department that believed that they were anachronisms at best, and dangerous at worst. I had to discover them on my own in my doctoral program.

Fast forward 38 years and spirituality is still trying to be understood by psychology, and religion is still being seen as a resource for clients, but a topic that therapists are better off avoiding with clients/patients. Yet, as those of us who have done this work for any respectable length of time know, religion and spirituality are important issues, even for patients who do not believe in religion or a Creator. I have found that at the bottom of most trauma issues that are brought into therapy there is the burning question, "If there is a God, where was He (or She) when all that was happening to me?" Yet, therapists are supposed to stay away from spiritual or religious issues? I don't know how to do that, so I dig in wherever the client is. I view it as marriage counseling between God (Higher Power, choose your name) and the client--and we work to improve the "marriage."

Here is a journal writing exercise that is intended to help you explore your sense of spirituality.

Describe your current religious or spiritual belief system and

how it is similar and/or different from that of your childhood.

There's more to come in future blog entries, as we follow this thread of self-discovery.

You are NOT broken

Clients keep asking me the same question, "I'm broken. I don't think I can be fixed. Can I be fixed?"

I recently participated in a Passover seder at the women's prison in Chino (aka California Institution for Women). The Jewish and Catholic chaplains there are old friends of mine, so this was a two-fer: I got to see two old friends and I was in the presence of some pretty amazing women.

CIW is a medium-security prison. There are lifers there, but there are also quite a number of short-timers there (usually drug-related offenses). Interestingly enough, the women at CIW conform to the statistics for women in prison: most of the female prisoners are not there for violent crimes (unlike male prisoners in the penal system). Mostly they are incarcerated for acts of amazingly poor judgment. Not to say that they aren't smart, some are beyond smart, and the vast majority are very intelligent. The behaviors that got them into prison tend to involve men...specifically, bad choices in men. I'm not talking about the women who defended themselves against violent husbands or boyfriends, perhaps after years of domestic violence. Those guys tend to be charming and protective in the beginning of the relationship. Why wouldn't you choose a guy who woos you and makes you feel safe? It's only later that the charm turns into put-downs and insults; and the protectiveness turns into oppression, suppression, and/or violence. It's tough to see the potential abuser in the guy who is opening your car door for you; it's not the woman's fault for choosing him.

I'm talking about those women who walked into the relationship with their eyes wide open, who picked drug users/addicts, petty criminals, and low-end sociopaths. The women who have a penchant for bad boys or wounded boys-- AND wouldn't have it any other way. And, then, to the amazement of anyone with common sense, those women actually drove the get-away car when he robbed the 7-11; or allowed her own occasional drug use to become major drug use, and then allowed him to prostitute her; or chose him over her children, and are serving time for child neglect or abandonment. In other words, the majority of women in prison today are there because they have seriously bad taste in men. How did that happen? They probably had seriously bad (or absent) fathers, step-fathers, mothers, or step-mothers. They were probably abused, physically, sexually, or verbally, for most of their childhood. They were probably incested or raped before they got out of their teens. The victims of their own lives, they go on to become complicit in their own victimization as the years go on.

They feel broken. I listened to their stories during the seder. And, then, I spoke from the heart when I spontaneously asked them to join me in a meditation. "You are not your experiences. If you believe that you are your experiences, then you might believe that you are broken. You are not broken, nor do you need to be fixed. You simply need to be uncovered and allowed to shine. Let the Light shine through you."

What is my answer to my patients, when they lament their brokenness? "Creativity involves separating the parts from the whole. Repair is making whole the parts." Just a thought.

Two approaches to healing

There are two approaches to healing...

One is to find whatever has been weakened and damaged by illness (emotional, psychological, medical, or spiritual), and then repair and strengthen it.

Another is to find whatever remains viable and healthy, and then support and strengthen it. Since it is one body, fortifying one aspect brings healing to the all the rest.

So, too, the healing of the spirit: one path is to grab the weakness by its horns and fix up your act. Another is to focus your energies on the spiritual resources that are working well. Since it is one soul, when one area is enriched the rest is elevated with it.

So, too, in repairing whatever is amiss in your world: when you see others are not doing their job, that important work is being mishandled, or valuable opportunities are being passed up, it is not a time for anger or despair. It is a time for you to strengthen many times over the good work that you are doing in your own sphere.

And, since we are all one, the energy you invest in your little corner of the world pays off in every other portion as well.

#1 Cause of Divorce

If you are married, your primary relationship in life is with your spouse. And, of course, the strength of that relationship will go a long way toward determining your satisfaction and happiness in life.

We've all had problems with our marriage, maybe even to the point where we were considering other alternatives. But, if you want it to work, how about making a decision to try the 100%-Commitment Experiment? Not 99%, but 100%. In doing so, something magical can happen. However, if you're not sure that you want to be content and satisfied in your marriage, then don't do this because it can begin as an experiment and end up as a lifestyle. And, if you accidentally found yourself happy, what might that do to your life plan? (Yes, it is true: some of us cannot bear to be happy and any happiness messes with our expectation of how Life is supposed to be, so we can have none of that.)

Here's how it works: one of you has to decide to commit 100% to the relationship. Let's say it is the man. When the man (husband, boyfriend, fiance) looks for the positives in his relationship and his partner, he will most likely begin to enjoy his partner more each day. She will naturally respond by being much nicer to him. This can begin an amazing transformation--I've seen it happen. And, you, too, can watch the years unfold and be one of those those couples, who, after 30+ years of marriage say that they've never been happier.

There is a remarkable difference between a commitment of 99% and 100%. At 100%, you are determined to see your problems all the way through to their solution. At 99%, we can still find a way to take the path of least resistance, or to slack-off, or get lazy. Truth be told, we all take our partners for granted, at least some of the time. Most of us would prefer to look the other way, to take the path of least resistance. Therein lies the problem.

You want to know the #1 cause of divorce in America?

#1 cause of divorce: We grew apart
#1 cause of growing apart: I don't feel connected
#1 cause of feeling disconnected: Resentment
#1 cause of feeling resentment: Withdrawal of interest and energy

So, go ahead, look the other way, commit at 99%, and you, too, can be a statistic.

And, just fyi, the 100%-Commitment Experiment not only works for marriage...it also works for life.

Letting go

Letting go, moving on, saying goodbye, rarely are these easy to do. Yet, life seems to require that of us, whether we want to or not. The co-workers we're fond of get new jobs, our favorite neighbors relocate, our siblings get married, and our children go away to college. Then there's the unwanted divorce, the unexpected death, and the estrangements with which we have to deal. And, deal we do; sometimes better than other times.

Grieving clients ask me all the time, "How do I let go?" The Book of Ecclesiastes makes the point that there is a season for all things, and that would seem to include relationships, which have to come to an end. Buddhism teaches a philosophy of non-attachment to material things, and that, too, would seem to include people. Yet, Attachment Theory tells us that we are hard-wired for connection to others, which is why it hurts so damned much when we have to let go.

The divorced client can't move on, stuck in an old mindset that says that she's still married. The grieving client can't stop yearning for the deceased loved one. The jilted fiance can't return the engagement ring to the store where he bought it. The drug addict continues to mask the pain of the death of his best friend when they were 9 with a plethora of street drugs. The overweight woman eats to fill a hole that can't be filled with food. The successful survivor of a very destructive dysfunctional family continues to allow the family to pull him back into their underachieving world. If all of them could just let go, by themselves, I'd be in search of a new career.

Well-meaning friends and family are always telling other people (aka my clients) to "let go and move on." And then I'm asked, "What is letting go?" and I have to say that I don't know what it means. I'm not sure that we ever really let go; maybe we just don't hold on as tightly, or as self-destructively. Maybe we just find a place for the lost person ---or we grieve the unmet need, and then, one day, it just seems that we let go.

Let go sounds like an action verb, an activity that we do with zeal and self-discipline. It sounds like something over which we have control. The Cognitive-Behavioral folks would say that's exactly right--we make up our mind, change our behavior, and voila, we let go. Hmmm. I've yet to see it happen quite that way. It's usually a very painful process to accept the goodbye, especially when we didn't want the goodbye in the first place.

And, that's where therapy comes in. Trying to let go (whatever that means), all by yourself, can be an exercise in futility; certainly an exercise in circular thinking. Ever notice that when you're talking to yourself about a highly emotionally charged issue you seem to return to the same starting place, no matter how long you go at it? We call that circular thinking or a closed network. Therapy changes the number of people involved in the thinking, it adds a new thought, an insight, and a helpful hint. Therapy becomes the action verb that is needed when trying to let go.

A broken heart requires mending. How will you begin the process of mending it?

Journal topics re moving on:
I have outgrown...
I miss...
I don't miss...
I am not quite ready for...
I look forward to...