Infidelity

Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley P. Glass (Free Press: NY), is meant to help married couples recover from infidelity.

Her book shatters the myth that adultery occurs only in unhappy marriages. In my experience as a therapist, I have worked with many couples and sometimes it really is just about needing variety or because of a weak moment. Monogamy is not easy and sexual exclusivity is even more difficult. It's a lot to ask of a partner to be sexually faithful for decades, but, nonetheless, we do ask. In fact, we demand it, and when we, or our partners, prove to be just plain human, our marriage is shredded.

I'm not suggesting that cheating is ok because it isn't. When, on that bright sunny day that we stood in front of family and friends and promised to keep our pants up for the rest of our lives, we made a promise, pure and simple. Call me old fashioned, or naive, but I'm a stickler for promises. My grandmother always said, "You don't make a promise you can't keep." On that sunny day, you made a promise and you don't get to break that promise just because you want to, or you were weak, or you drank too much, or your partner is disappointing. You get to go into marital therapy, that's what you get to do. But, you don't get to cheat....that's breaking a whopper of a promise!

If you want to avoid temptation, then read on. Dr. Glass declares that no matter what one's level of marital satisfaction, it is very important to maintain specific boundaries (aka walls) with the opposite gender: not flirting, not discussing your marital dissatisfaction with the opposite sex, not pursuing an old flame on the internet, not meeting a co-worker in private, and not keeping friends who are hostile to your marriage (may I say, unless your marriage is abusive and, then, your hostile friends are your very BEST friends and maybe you should listen to them).

Here's a critical tidbit, which Dr. Glass points out: You know that feeling of being "in love"? The sensation of having your heart go pitter-patter when you think of him or her? Dr. Glass points out that the "in love" feeling of an affair is simply a temporary stage of infatuation which always fades away, and which is mistaken for the comfort and familiarity of a lifelong relationship. As a marriage and family therapist, I understand something that most married folks don't know: marriages are subject to stages of growth, just like human beings. In the beginning stage, we're all about the similarities: "Oh, you like pears? I like pears, too!" And, deep sigh, pitter-patter, we're goofy about the other person. Ah, but, then comes the stage when we want our old life back, and the stage when we want to move forward with our own growth (and career, and other friendships), and the stage when we think we can live without the person. Not to mention all of the disapointments that breed resentment (just a fancy word for anger), and, well, the blush begins to fade on the rose, and marriage starts looking less attractive.

Dr. Glass asserts that the marriages that have the best chance for recovery are those in which the unfaithful spouse ends the affair with no contact afterward, makes a 100% commitment to improve the marriage regardless of ambivalent feelings, refuses to contrast the weaknesses of one's spouse with the strengths of the affair partner, discovers one's vulnerabilities which led to the affair (including, I might add, a low threshold for boredom), and allows one's spouse to hold one accountable for ongoing boundaries. In a study of 4100 husbands who had an affair, 3485 (85%) decided to repair their marriages, while 615 (15%) divorced. Of these, only 19 men married their affair partner. Dr. Glass says that "We live in a culture that professes to value monogamy, but at the same time undercuts monogamy significantly by glamorizing illicit love affairs and commercializing sexual titillation." (p. 279) I can't argue with her there.

So, maybe, the answer isn't having an affair, maybe it is putting the same energy into one's current marriage? Just a thought.

Achieving Closure

Losing someone we love is never easy, and if there is violence involved or it is sudden and unexpected, that adds a dimension of pain and suffering that is difficult to overcome. Traumatic loss (e.g., a mugging turned violent) and a sudden loss (e.g., car accident) are the most difficult kinds of loss to overcome. Having said that, it is truly the meaning of the loss and our coping skills that determine, to a large extent, how soon we can move forward with our lives.

Oftentimes when we lose someone unexpectedly, not only is there no time to prepare ourselves mentally for the loss, we might find it impossible to attend a funeral or a memorial service. For many of us that leaves a void, the process is incomplete, and we tend to refer to our untended feelings as a need for closure. Is there ever, truly, a complete sense of closure when we have loves someone deeply? If the relationship was significant and meaningful, it is highly unlikely that we will achieve closure, as some therapists and many laypersons like to refer to it.

"Achieve"??? Like it's a goal that can be measured or a finish line that can be crossed? I don't think so. If the relationship was truly significant and meaningful, then the person takes a HUGE piece of us with them, and leaves a big piece of themselves behind in us. The truth of the matter is that we can spend a lifetime "achieving closure," if closure is actually something that can be achieved.

Most of us have to settle for accepting the loss, then finding a way to live with the loss, and then going about the business of actually living without that person. In time, with hard work, the pain becomes less acute and we can breathe, again, without crying or physically hurting on a regular basis. It is important to be realistic about loss and to understand that the pain will reoccur at unexpected moments in our lives, and at meaningful moments in our lives. And, yes, the pain may take our breath away in that moment of re-experiencing the loss, but, and here's the good news, it goes away much more quickly and with much less effort.

Achieving closure

Losing someone we love is never easy, and if there is violence involved or it is sudden and unexpected, that adds a dimension of pain and suffering that is difficult to overcome. Traumatic loss (e.g., a mugging turned violent) and sudden loss (e.g., car accident) are the most difficult kinds of loss to overcome. Having said that, it is truly the meaning of the loss and our coping skills that determine, to a large extent, how soon we can move forward with our lives.

Oftentimes when we lose someone unexpectedly, not only is there no time to prepare ourselves mentally for the loss, we might find it impossible to attend a funeral or a memorial service. For many of us that leaves a void, the process is incomplete, and we tend to refer to our untended feelings as a need for closure. Is there ever, truly, a complete sense of closure when we have loved someone deeply? If the relationship was significant and meaningful, it is highly unlikely tht we will achieve closure, as some therapists and many laypersons like to refer to it.

"Achieve"??? Like it's a goal that can be measured or a finish line that can be crossed? I don't think so. If the relationship was truly significant and meaningful, then the person takes a HUGE piece of us with them, and leaves a big piece of themselves behind in us. The truth of the matter is that we can spend a lifetime "achieving closure," if closure is actually something that can be achieved.

Most of us will have to settle for accepting the loss, then finding a way to live with the loss, and then going about the business of actually living without that person. In time, with hard work, the pain becomes less acute and we can breathe, again, without crying or physically hurting on a regular basis. It is important to be realistic about loss and to understand that the pain will reoccur at unexpected moments in our lives, and at meaningful moments in our lives. And, yes, the pain may take our breath away in that moment of re-experiencing the loss, but, and here's the good news, it goes away much more quickly and with much less effort.

Unfinished Business

I just finished reading a book entitled Unfinished Business by Lee Kravitz. The subtitle is "One Man's Extraordinary Year of Trying to Do the Right Things." In a nutshell, Lee was fired from his long-time job and decided to spend the next year of unemployment cleaning up old business by making things right: he had a backlog of good intentions, but no follow-through. Don't we all? We all have some unfinished business: the promises we made, but didn't keep; money borrowed and not repaid; a condolence card never sent. Some of us are occasionally haunted by them; others are frequently haunted by them. Lee could not have predicted how cleaning up behind himself would have such a positive impact on his life. When you let go of the anchors on your soul, it is amazing how much easier it is to soar. If you have a lazy Sunday, or a quiet weekend away, wrap yourself around this book. When you're finished reading it, if you haven't already done so, make a list of your unfinished business, and then clean them up. It just might change your life for the better. Just a thought.

Why are you afraid?

Why are you afraid? Why do you panic? Why do you sink into depression?

If all we seek is an earthly answer to those questions, then all we get are a list of reasons or excuses for our misery and pain. But what if we look for a higher answer, then what do we learn?

My spiritual teacher, a man of great wisdom, and what always seemed to me to be a direct relationship with On High, once said,

"Your soul plunged downward to live in an earthly realm,

to enwrap herself in a body of flesh and blood, willingly and with purpose.

What emboldened her? What drew her to squeeze into the

straitjacket of time and space?

It was neither fear, nor dread, nor panic. It was the knowledge that

here below is a beauty the highest of angels cannot touch.

Care for yourself, for your family, for your fellow human beings and

our lovely planet earth, NOT out of fear, NOR from distress, but out

of love and awe for the beauty within that we came to discover."

So, go forth, and discover the beauty. Find the pathway that leads you out of fear, out of panic, out of depression.

Opportunity may be presented as something that knocks on our door, but the truth is that more often than not, we have to leave home for opportunity to find us. When I was single, Mr. Right never rode up to my apartment door on his white steed, knocked boldly, and said, "Hey, jump on, Cutie. I'm here to change your life!" Jobs never looked me up in the White Pages of the telephone directory and offered me huge sums of money to do what I knew how to do. Contentment never sent me an email inviting me to a champagne reception to shake the hand of Truth. And Truth, well, Truth has been elusive and seems to be found only by walking one's own path, which, it would seem, usually leads out of my home and out into the world. So, go forth, and live your life among others. Who knows what good will come your way when you intersect Good's path. Just a thought.

Why am I here?

"Why am I here?" is a question frequently asked by patients, spiritual querents, and the deeply depressed.

Why am I here? The answer to that question unfolds throughout our life. It may not be very clear earlier in life, but as the years add up and one's perspective develops, it becomes easier and easier to understand our purpose in being. Take a good, long look at yourself: What do you see? What do you enjoy? What resonates within you? What are your gifts? When you have the answers to those questions, then it is time to put the answers to good use. How you apply your gifts is probably your purpose.

Why are you the way that you are? Short and sweet, God made YOU this way because God needs you to be this way. No one else can do what God needs YOU to do. So, go! Do it!

If we are made in God's image, why does God need so many images? I don't know, but, maybe, it could be because each of us reflects a different aspect of God. So, go! Reflect!

How can we each have our own unique gifts? How can there be that many gifts? For all I know, there may be a finite number of gifts, but how and where you apply them will be uniquely your own. So, go! Give!

How can we use our gifts in service to God? By giving our gifts to others.

How can we use our gifts to bring meaning and purpose into our life? By giving our gifts in a spirit of gratitude.

How can we feel like a part of the human race? By giving our Self to others.

How can we feel like we belong? By giving our Self to our purpose.

How can we get over depression? By stepping out of our self-imposed isolation, our loneliness, our aloneness, and our all-consuming self-loathing.

How do we do that? As it says on the back of the shampoo bottle: Repeat. Return to the beginning of this entry, read it, and then reread it. Repeat. Repeat until you get it. Then go out there and join the human race. You deserve to belong. Just a thought.

Change your attitude, change your life

Too often, we focus on the bad stuff in life, or the stuff we cannot control. How many times in a day, in a week, in a lifetime, do good things actually occur? And how often do we walk right by the good stuff and not see it or feel it? How often do YOU focus on the hurtful words or deeds, the painful memories, the disappointments, the loves lost, and the suffering, but you don't notice when good stuff is actually happening?

Am I asking you to be a PollyAnna or to make lemonade out of lemons? No. I'm just asking you to write down every big and little thing that happens this week that was GOOD. NOTICE THE GOOD STUFF. Notice the things that you enjoy, or feel good about, or that enhance your self-esteem, or that you were so pleasantly and happily engaged with that you lost track of time. And, then, take a moment to feel grateful. Why? To increase your level of attention to the good details of your life.

As you change your attitude toward your own life, and what is happening in it, YOU will find that your life is actually changing. Yes, just by changing your attitude, you can change your life. I invite you to give it a try. Spend the next week noticing what is actually going right and you may be surprised at how good your life really is. Just a thought.

Remember: the sky may be the limit, but time is limited.

I love the start of a new year because it is ripe with potential. However, it is up to me to fulfill its promise. Granted, my 2011 appointment book was filled with recurring engagements even before the end of October 2010. There were all the usual items, e.g., appointments with patients, meetings, personal holidays, but the rest of the time was wide open and ready to be filled.

I'm sure we've all experienced the reality that if we stand still, we get run over---run over by time, run over by competitors, or run over by our own fears. I've never been much for standing still: there is still too much to learn, too much to experience, and too much to teach, before I will have no choice in whether or not I stand still. None of us knows when, or if, we will develop a progressive disease, a neurological condition, or when that "thing" that we already have may advance and stop us in our tracks. So, while I can still make a difference within my sphere of influence, I am. While I can still learn, I will. And while I can still teach, I do.

It is with the above in mind, that I have decided to pursue national certification in trauma and dissociation. As my patients know, many years ago I earned national certification in thanatology (death, dying, and bereavement), and that continues to be an area of treatment in which I specialize. Since I began my career in the field of psychology 35+ years ago, as the executive director of a rape crisis center and a victims' advocate, trauma has played a very big part in my career. It feels like the right time, once again, to commit to the certification process, and to make an investment in myself and my career as a practicing therapist. The courses and certification are offered by the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation and it is a year-long program. I'll keep you posted when I learn something new.

What will you do to invest in yourself this year? Charitable work, a class for fun (cooking, art, archaeology, glass blowing), increased reading, enjoying a new hobby, taking a professional development course, or, or, or....???? Remember: the sky may be the limit, but, time is limited. So, what will you do with the time that you have remaining?

Wishing you....

Dear patients, readers, colleagues and friends-I-haven't-yet-met,

I wish you a love-filled holy season, and a new year over-flowing with the satisfaction of meaningful work and a life lived in congruence with your purpose.

Warm fuzzies,
Gwen

As we approach the holidays, perhaps....

Perhaps, we can decorate our home, and our new life, with the treasures that speak of our history, finding joy in the memories that they spark. Maybe, we'll bring with us some of the old, add a few pieces of the new, and practice the art of blending yesterday with today in the hope of creating another memory for tomorrow.

Perhaps, we can hang the special ornaments, or polish the menorah, and cherish the warmth of the love of which these symbols remind us. No one has to know the pain that we may be experiencing, even as we relive the pleasure and joy of having these objects in our life now.

Perhaps, we can gather with loved ones and count our blessings; counting not only the people around the table, but including ALL those whose lives have touched ours in countless ways. One does not have to be present to be alive in our hearts. Afterall, we shared a few moments of our life journey together and our hearts will never forget, even when others do.

And, perhaps, it may be that nothing will fit this year. But, the situation will get better, improving with age, or experience, or patience. We will probably always be a bit unsettled, unnerved when the roll-call finds a name missing or a chair empty. But, then, why shouldn't we be a little sad when a light goes out in our world?

So, this holiday season, try to look for things to enjoy. Gather in your blessings and count them ALL. Count the blessings of ALL the people in your life story, both present and deceased, and find the peace that comes from experiencing another holiday of joys recalled and love shared. And, just perhaps, the holidays will be better than you think they will be.

I wish you love-filled holidays and a new year of peace and joy.

A few helpful ideas for dealing with the holidays

Grief is never easy. Working through our grief, learning how to survive our loss, is a process---a process made more difficult by big family holidays. As we enter the end of the year, the time of year filled with the most intense and meaningful of holidays, here are a few ideas for dealing with the holidays and your loss.

1. Do not try to be brave. Take time to cry and just "be with" your grief. And, yes, strong men do cry.

2. Share your grief with others. Do not try to protect friends or family with silence. If friends or family cannot, or will not, listen....OR...if you feel like a burden to them, this may be a good time to contact a grief counselor, or a psychologist, or a pastoral counselor. Please do not allow yourself to feel isolated or lonely.

3. Please take care of your self. YOU ARE IMPORTANT and so is your health. . Try to eat well and exercise regularly. Even a short walk around the block will produce biochemical changes that can affect your attitude and you'll sleep better.

4. Please forgive yourself for everything you thnk you did "wrong." You did the best you could. Okay, maybe you didn't give your best every single day, but there was so much going on at the time and you had so many stressors in your life that you did the best you could, even if it wasn't the VERY best you could have done every single day. Remember that you were there for for the person you loved, and that is what is important.

5. Accept that there is no truly acceptable answer to the question, "Why?" Maybe your grief counselor or your spiritual counselor can help you find peace with this question. Just remember: you do NOT have to go through this alone.

6. Do purposeful work that brings meaning to eacg day and to your life. Bringing meaning into your life during a time when you may be questioning the meaning of life, God, religion, or previous choices, can be very beneficial. Volunteering to help the less fortunate, reading to children at the library, getting involved with your religious institution's outreach program can have a personally uplifting effect.

Resilience

Have you ever wondered why some people just seem to get over "stuff" and get on with life more easily than others? Is that due to personality differences? Is it inborn or due to the parenting that they received? (Ah, yes, that old conundrum of nature vs nurture.) Or, maybe, God just likes them better?

In my line of work we call that resilience. Webster's defines resilience as "an ability to recover from or adjust easily to change or misfortune." Resilience does seem to make a great difference in how people handle life and all that it can dish out.

So, what is resilience exactly? Who knows. There are no clear answers from the brain researchers, or the personality researchers, or the religious/spiritual researchers. However, here's what we do know about resilience: some piece of it is inborn. Yes, it seems we either have some, or we don't have some. (Note the word some. Is the remaining balance acquired? Maybe.) However, that isn't the end of the story. We also know that some people survive their childhoods, and move on to bigger and better things, because of one very important factor: the presence of one person who believed in them. Is that all it takes to thrive? No, but it helps A LOT.

The presence, the influence, the saving grace, of one person who believed in us can change our life. It doesn't have to be a person who was full-time in our lives (like a parent or other relative). It can be someone who was transitory, for example, a counselor for two weeks of summer camp, a classroom teacher, the local librarian, a soccer coach. In fact, it could be as transitory as someone we knew for a moment, literally, a moment in our lives, e.g., when we spoke to the inspirational lecturer at a Sunday School assembly, or the woman at the bookstore who took a minute and really listened to us.

When you look back on your childhood or adolescence, who reached out to you? Who believed in you, even if just for a moment? Who might you thank for the way you turned out? And can you do that for someone else, a child or a teenager who might need just one person to believe in him/her and their resilience will be encouraged to flourish?

Questions to ponder

What are human beings?

What are you as a human being?

What are the forces that act on your life?

Do you listen to your inner voice?

What do you do to understand your Self?

Can a person become a perfect person?

Does G-d want perfect people?

Does G-d want imperfect people?

What are the obstacles to your personal change?

How do you view the world?

Do you focus on the details or on the bigger picture?

Just some things to think about. Who knows, maybe the answers can change your life for the better.

The Secrets to Being Happy

The title on my Yahoo homepage was intriguing, "The Secret to Being Happy." So, sucker-for-a-happy-ending that I am, I clicked on the link. Wow! It took me to a page that offered no less than 27 contiguous pages of happiness links.

There are, apparently, 9 secrets, or 10 secrets, or 17 secrets, or the secret (presumably one secret), to being happy. Then there were the endless categories of happiness, of which here are just a few: how to be happy with a part-time job, how to be a happy woman, how to be a happy dater, how to be a happy teen, how to be a happy teen with a part-time job. And, that did not include the paid ads in the margin for books on Amazon re happiness, numerous religious sites that promote happiness, and all the for-profits that promote happiness through a goal-centered life.

All we have to do, it would seem, is to focus with laser-like precision on happiness via the 9 steps (or is it 17? or 10? or just one?). Is it any wonder that we think that happiness can be obtained, like a job, or a car, or a relationship?

Happiness is a result, not a goal, as I have mentioned in earlier columns on this blog. (When Life Sucks, February; The Unlived Life, January.)

Do you want to know how to be happy? It's simple: be yourself. Be your TRUE self. Go ahead, dare to uncover all that is REALLY you and, then, spread your wings for a wild ride! And, if you say, "Oh, that's too simplistic," then allow me to say that nothing is truly complicated---we just make it that way. Just a thought.

'Tis the season....the wedding season, that is.

Yes, 'tis the season for weddings...and, the little-recognized post-nuptial depression. No, psychology is not creating another disorder that psychiatry can medicate and that the average layperson can mock. It's simply a fact of life: most of the big events of our lives are followed by a certain amount of let-down. For example, the college graduate, who is now leaving the academic fishbowl and facing an uncertain future in an even more uncertain economy, will probably feel some sense of loss for the predictability and freedom of their old life, and some anxiety about their new life.

So what is post-nuptial depression? Let's face it, there's a lot of excitement and romance leading up to the wedding. You're the center of attention and people are calling you all the time. There are details to manage, people to manage, and dreams to manifest. Ah, but then it's all over. Everyone goes back to their own lives, and there you are, stuck with reality. Yes, it's time for the letdown after the parade.

Not to mention the buyer's remorse. That prince in shining armor, who floated with you down the aisle and off to a wonderful honeymoon, now starts looking a little less shiny and little more rusty around the edges. That glowing bride, who never wore anything but matching lingerie, is now wearing comfortable underpants. And those changes don't take long to occur. Now that all the wildly flowing oxytocin and serotonin have calmed down, folks start to wonder if they settled.

Or, financial issues kick in: "Wow, we spent all that money, now it's over, and what do we have to do show for it?" "Geez, we coulda spent that money on a downpayment for a house."

Or, there can be the re-emerging depression. Very often there is a depression that predated the marriage, and now, in the not-so-glowing after-glow of the honeymoon and a return to the real world, the old depression is being kicked up, again.

None of this may become apparent right away. It may occur right after the wedding, or it may be delayed 3 or 4 months. In either case, finding someone to help with the problem can go a long way toward creating a more satisfying future. Just a thought.

Are you saying "Yes!" to your dreams?

Sometimes it is hard to even know what our dreams are.

Sometimes we have so many dreams that it is difficult to choose one on which to focus.

And, sometimes, it seems like our dreams are so very far away...and impossible to attain.

Other times, it just feels hopeless to even dream.

So, how do we even begin?

Try finishing the following sentences to begin to help clarify your special dreams:

In my heart of hearts, I want to...
If I had a billion dollars, I would...
If I had all the time in the world, the first thing I would do is...
I have always wished I could...

Start living your dreams and you'll find that you are living your own life. Just a thought.

Next journal exercise

Next journal assignment is,

Imagine being your Higher Power, God, the Universe.

Now write a response to the letter you wrote

about your spiritual concern.

And another journal exercise

Journal about your primary spiritual concern in life.
Write a letter to your Higher Power, God,
the Universe, about this spiritual concern.

Another journal exercise to explore spirituality

As promised, here is another journal exercise to help you explore your own spirituality.

What is your definition of spirituality, and, if applicable,

what is your definition of a Higher Power or God?

Spirituality and Psychotherapy

When I was a young undergrad in the early 1970's, psychology and spirituality were not the best of friends. In fact, B.F. Skinner was the hero of the hour-- and spirituality and his theory of behaviorism had nothing to do with each other. Freud was pilloried on every available occasion by behaviorists and feminists, not that he was particularly spiritual, just that he was out-of-style, and supposedly anti-feminist. Truth be told, based on what I was being taught, and feminist that I was (and am), I didn't want much to do with Freud, either. Then, finally, 20 years later, I read his original works and lights went on like crazy. The old guy wasn't so dated, after all, though he was still very anti-religion.

Truth be told, there were guys like C.J. Jung and Carl Rogers, who were deeply spiritual in their own lives and believed that spirituality and religion had a lot to offer human beings. Both found ways to bring spirituality into their work with patients, however, they weren't the flavor of the hour and their theories and style of therapy were not being taught in the 1970's. They were buried under piles of dust by a psych department that believed that they were anachronisms at best, and dangerous at worst. I had to discover them on my own in my doctoral program.

Fast forward 38 years and spirituality is still trying to be understood by psychology, and religion is still being seen as a resource for clients, but a topic that therapists are better off avoiding with clients/patients. Yet, as those of us who have done this work for any respectable length of time know, religion and spirituality are important issues, even for patients who do not believe in religion or a Creator. I have found that at the bottom of most trauma issues that are brought into therapy there is the burning question, "If there is a God, where was He (or She) when all that was happening to me?" Yet, therapists are supposed to stay away from spiritual or religious issues? I don't know how to do that, so I dig in wherever the client is. I view it as marriage counseling between God (Higher Power, choose your name) and the client--and we work to improve the "marriage."

Here is a journal writing exercise that is intended to help you explore your sense of spirituality.

Describe your current religious or spiritual belief system and

how it is similar and/or different from that of your childhood.

There's more to come in future blog entries, as we follow this thread of self-discovery.